When it comes to choosing her attendants and officially saying "Susie, you're my maid of honor, the rest of you are brides maids," a lot of brides get very anxious, and some just don't event want to go there.
Too bad! Let's rip the band-aid right off, and I'll give you tips to make it clearer and easier.
There's no concrete rule out there that says your best friend from childhood or your sister has to be your maid of honor. And there's no rule that your maid of honor has to be single, or even a woman. Yes, there's lots of tradition and romance movies to back up these crazy stigmas, but look lady, this is your wedding day. Do what you want!
Band-aid off yet?
So a little history for ya. Years and years ago when bridesmaids were first made popular, they served two purposes. The first was so that if someone tried to ride in on a horse and steal the bride, he or she would be confused by the many ladies dressed alike, and the bride would be safe. Phew! The second purpose, and this is real 'chicken or the egg' stuff, was that in case the bride (or the groom, as this served the same purpose for the groomsmen) was unable to marry (or unwilling), everybody just moved over one step to the left (or right) and boom, insta-couple, lets get this wedding going. Why, you ask? During this time, most marriages were arranged to serve political or commercial needs. The attendants, both male and female, were recognized as appropriate replacements. Should the bride run off with the stable boy, the maid of honor married the groom and the bride's father and the groom's father could still go into business together.
Ok, history lesson over, lets get back to your problem. Some brides are lucky and know exactly who's their maid of honor and bridesmaids, and no one's feelings are getting hurt by the choice. But...most girls want to be the maid of honor. They see this as a big competition as to who's a better friend to the bride, or some other popularity contest.
So what to say to the gals not chosen for the 'of honor' position, but are still bridesmaids? First, make it a one-on-one conversation. No one likes to be embarrassed in public, so do this in a place you will both be comfortable. Sitting in the park sipping Starbucks together is a great local - it's even territory. When you're with your gal-pal, start out with the good news (if she doesn't already know). And then ask, in a nice way, for her (or him) to be a bridesmaid. And phrase it well. For example:
"Carol, this is a very special day I'll remember for the rest of my life, and it would mean the world to me if you were a part of it as my bridesmaid."
Notice I didn't say "a bridesmaid" or "one of my bridesmaids". This is a sneaky way of subconsciously letting her (or him) know that she (or he) is one of a kind. Yes, you're one bridesmaid in a group of 2 or more, but you're there for me as an individual. This is the good stuff you're stressing here.
Now, this is usually the point that about 70% of gal-pals get uber excited, give you a hug, and say "oh I'd love to! let's start planning!". Great! You've passed the stressful moment and everyone's in a good mood. For now.
The other 30% of gal-pals have a less gushing response. Some go straight for the throat - "well who's your maid of honor?" Don't panic! I'll get you through this.
A great answer you can give her is "Mary's my maid of honor. I hope this doesn't hurt your feelings because I need you there on my wedding day."
Ahh, tricky me! Phrasing your answer like this gives you a couple of things. First, you've been honest. You straight out said "Mary's my maid of honor". Good for you. The second sentence also sets you up in two ways, first, you're apologizing without apologizing, and you're throwing a little guilt in there too. At this point, most gals cave, reassure you that they're happy for you and not hurt, and off we go on the happy planning discussion.
But then...some gals won't let go. Are you ready?
If your friend at this point really starts to get upset or angry with you for not having the coveted role, you need to remember to stay calm and don't start fighting. This is someone you want standing with you as you get married and you don't need any bad karma.
At this point, you've got some limited options. One of the best things is to give your friend some breathing room.
"Carol, you're very important to me, and I want to have you there with me. I don't want you to do something you don't want to do, so I want to give you some time to think about being my bridesmaid. I'm sorry I've hurt your feelings, you're my friend and that's the last thing I want to do. Please call/email/visit me when you've made up your mind."
Then grab your drink and walk away. Most ladies will calm down, you'll reconcile, and all is good. The key here is not to make excuses ("Mary's better at planning parties"). And remember, her feelings are hurt, so be nice.
Now, let's cover the "who to choose". Like I earlier stated, there's no rule for who is supposed to be an attendant. For example, my fiance's best man is the woman who introduced us. She's wearing a tux and everything. Why did he make that choice? Because this woman is a dear friend, and because she was the one that introduced us he felt it gave great meaning to have her stand beside him.
Don't feel obligated to choose one person over another. If your friend you met last year has become your best friend, it's ok to choose him or her over your sibling. It's not a "I knew them first". It really comes down to this: when you're looking at your wedding pictures 30 years from now, who do you want to see standing with you? This is one of the biggest days of your life, make your choice out of love, and it'll be the right one.
Happy planning,
Rebekah Ross
Weddings and Events
some camera love
8 years ago